Hate To Say I Told You So

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 02:15:04 GMT

So, hey, Dave is married. Whats up with that.

I am still kinda shitting myself about the speech. Any and all credit must go to the formula that I ~~stole~~distilled from the speech the best man - one Mr Luke Edmunds - gave at my brother's wedding.

For any of you who have to write a best man speech in the future, here it is:

1. Introduction. Who are you, anyway?
2. So, hey, congrats! And, seriously, how good does the bride look?*
3. How you met the groom.
4. Story about the groom evolving as a person.
5. Amusing illustrative anecdote
6. How the groom met the bride.
7. Story about their [early, if possible] relationship.
8. Amusing illustrative anecdote
9. List of things the groom loves, concluding with the bride's name.
10. Toasts: Groomsmen, Bridesmaids, Groom (and bride)**

* I'm terrible with compliments - giving or receiving - so left this out.
** Apparently it is also traditional to toast the parents here or at the end, but I left that out by accident (and because I am a bad man).

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 06:21:39 GMT

Because you are my friends, you will probably enjoy this.

Especially if you like any of the following:

- Clerks
- Mallrats
- Comics
- Comic book stores
- Callum
- Empire Toys
- Big Bang Theory
- The Guild

In case you were wondering...

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 02:04:57 GMT

I'm not going to be on Beauty and the Geek.

Tue, 12 May 2009 08:57:58 GMT

So I'm in South Australia, which is awesome because I got here the day Cam got back to Perth. So there was no ~~weird~~awesome reunion like that time Turk got back and him and JD ran around the hospital and ended up on Roof A and Roof B.

I am typing this information from a laptop using a 3G wireless internets card, even though there is probably a WAP around somewhere near the hotel. And by hotel, I mean a pub with rooms above it. Mine didn't have a desk, so I stole one from Justin's room. My room had two beds and smells funny, his had a desk and a bed and smells weird, and Jim's room has a desk AND two beds AND no smell, so I think we can all see who is living the high life right now.

In case you care, the place I am staying is located right about here. I have an excellent view of the building next door from my window. Also: I forgot to bring enough socks, so I went to Target earlier and bought some. I probably won't charge them to the company, but everything else, including this internets, is on the house. Awesome. I might play some pokies later. That probably won't be on the house either. Benny won $300 last night. Not 3BK (B.Eng). A different Benny. In case I mention him again, this will be 3FB, for 3 Fucks Benny. This is because he is an old salty ex-Navy bastard who cannot complete a sentence unless it has at least three fucks in it. And you know if I am commenting on levels of swearing, it must be so notable that it almost merits a Wikipedia article.

Every day this week (Tuesday to Thursday) we fly to a Secret Government Facility (located here), where we sit around and try to make software and hardware play nicely. Tomorrow, we are fixing a generator and removing rust/repainting. I have a vague idea how to do the latter, and no idea about the former. Thats not a nice beach there, its a fucking steep cliff. I spent some time today sitting on the deck out the front waiting for a plane; I was staring at the horizon, listening to dolphins and snapping shrimp and (possibly) a whale. I have some great (I hope) photos from the area and from the flight - a little twin engine prop which is made kinda like a car.

Monday and Friday are travelling days, which is to say, days where I get paid to sit on a plane and read, and surf the web at the airport while eating (free) mee goreng and cake. Adelaide airport looks a lot like the city: sparse, mildly artistic, a bit interesting, but with not a whole lot going on.

The seafood here is also pretty good. So is the cider, and also the pepsi max. And the reverse-cycle air con.

On the downside, getting up at 6am sucks, especially when you realise that 6am here is actually 4.30am in Real Time. The blankets are notable for actually being sheets that have adopted a cunning disguise. Apparently, everyone here has a Dave-like Frost Resistance buff. Also, mounting evidence suggests that eating breakfast "out" always sucks, no matter where you eat it. Unless you can get pacon and bancakes. Maybe they have that? I'll ask tomorrow.

Goddamn, I love bancakes and pacon.

Anyway I guess I should find out what these other blokes want to do for dinner. I think I might go for some lemon pepper calamari, if they want to eat here. Or maybe a pizza? Choices are made harder by the free-ness of it all...

Until next time!

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 01:28:21 GMT

For Frog, Jacinta, and all the other rock/rock band/guitar hero nerds that don't read the best webcomic ever:

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 08:57:37 GMT

STRIPPER AGE FAIL

Things

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 01:18:14 GMT

On the weekend, while fishing (virtually), I watched some stuff. Mostly UK stuff. Here are some one-line reviews:

- Secret Diaries of a Callgirl is pretty good, but I don't think Ill watch season 2.
- Demons seems okay, in a slightly-more-serious-than-Doctor-Who, Supernaturalish kind of way. I might get episode 2.
- Trueblood seems meh.
- Being Human is actually alright, even though the new vampire dude is beginning to seem more like a young pre-alcoholic Bernard Black.
- Zeitgeist, which is a doco, started off good, but then started claiming that 9/11 was a conspiracy and I got really bored.
- Kings seems good, but not good. But I got episodes 2-6 to watch, just in case.

In other TV news:

- Heroes character development is a bit silly. Its like Spike in Buffy all over again - nonsensical changes to the characters' personality. Only Kring doesn't pull it off like Joss.
- South Park is always great.
- Scrubs is funny again.
- The Office has gotten a bit weird in the past few eps.
- House is almost interesting at the moment.

Also, gay is a synonym for stupid. The rules for the english language apply to you guys too, gay people!

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 02:32:31 GMT

Oh shit, I forgot about how bright the goddamned mornings are going to be next summer.

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 04:29:30 GMT

I don't believe in god, but I do believe in pancakes and bacon.

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 07:21:34 GMT

I have a new phone, but it has the same number and I haven't lost any contacts, because I am SMART. So this is a seamless transition for you, and really you can ignore the rest of this post...

...unless you are interested in knowing that my background picture features Cam sitting on a chair, with Dosser in an elegant red dress and pearls. This contrasts majestically with his chops and mo.

Also, for the record, ~~Guitar~~Drum Hero is coming along nicely. I finished easy the other night - I bombed a few times on Motorhead, and distracted myself with the first few sets on medium. Then I went back to Motorhead and got it; it was all straight shots from there. I even scored a 100%. I then replayed No Sleep 'til Brooklyn and Rebel Yell on medium and raped my old high scores, although I haven't quite made 100% on them yet. Then I got overconfident and tried Beastie Boys on hard, and got pwnt in no time flat.

As much as I hate System of a Down, BYOB is a lot of fun. That plus Hot For Teacher makes for a fantastic finale.

There are a few tracks I am seriously not looking forward to doing on harder modes...

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 00:31:07 GMT

Holy shit, SEVEN hundred bucks for doing 30 over? On Roe Highway?

Fucking hell!

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 10:44:36 GMT

"I've never been good at mental maths, or anything mental".

- Anneke de Rooij, 2009

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 02:57:42 GMT

Can I just say that I hate people who don't understand cause and effect?

The White Stripes have a great song about this on their latest album.

This morning on the radio some idiot politician was complaining about that clothes company that is laying off a bunch of people, saying that the Governments stimulus packages hasn't worked. This does not follow. It doesn't mean that the stimulus package has failed, or made things worse. It means the stimulus packages hasn't fixed everything. As of course it can't, because the GFC is a GLOBAL issue. It might have made things better. Maybe, without the packages, more companies would have laid people off, or shut down. We don't know. The only way we could know if they have had no effect would be to explore alternate universes.

The worst part is that some people don't realise when politicians are spouting crap.

If only people would actually deal in facts.

I'm not pro-Labor, really. I am anti-stupid.

For (mainly) Anneke

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 04:48:09 GMT

In the beginning there were humans on Kobol.
Then the humans were all like "fuck working" and created robots.
They worked them too long (and for unreasonable hours) and the robots' programming determined that the most efficient answer was to shut their motherfucking systems down.
(that bit is similar to Terminator and The Matrix)
(these "robots" may or may not have been skinjobs - noone is sure when they were created)

The robots and humans eventually made peace, and as cautious friends, everybody left Kobol. The robots went one way, and the humans, in twelve groups, went another.

There were then two timelines:

On the skinjob world, they were eventually all like "fuck working" and created robots.
(they also knew how to resurrect)
They worked them too long (and for unreasonable hours) and the robots' programming determined that the most efficient answer was to shut their motherfucking systems down.
There was a war, and at some point, only the Final Five escaped.
Nobody knows what happened to the robots' robots.
The Final Five did not have FTL, and moved at subluminal speeds to find the humans.

On the human worlds, they were eventually all like "fuck working" and created Cylons.
They worked them too long (and for unreasonable hours) and the robots' programming determined that the most efficient answer was to shut their motherfucking systems down.
There was a war, and at some point, the Final Five arrived.

Then the timelines merge:

The Final Five offered the Cylons resurrection and skinjobs in return for stopping the war.
They created 8 skinjob models.
Number One grew jealous of Seven, and poisoned his line, essentially killing him.*
Even though the Eight were not worked for too long, One betrayed the FF and reprogrammed them to think they were human. When the FF resurrect, they get their memories back; One's plan was to make them learn about and hate humans.
One reprogrammed the other six to not think about the FF.
One initiated the destruction of the Colonies.

And so, our story begins.

* OR DID HE?

Any questions?

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 02:59:51 GMT

It is not tailgating to drive close to the car in front of you if that car is doing below the speed limit and there are no overtaking opportunities.

DISCUSS

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 02:58:52 GMT

This song basically describes my life philosophy. Nice.

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 15:18:50 GMT

HAPPY SCIENCE DAY FOR YESTERDAY!

God damn you, Charles Darwin. You really are the man*.

* Alfred Wallace was pretty frakkin' cool as well.

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 00:30:37 GMT

Is it just me, or has Penny-Arcade been kinda sucking lately? The writing is still good, you know, most of the time. But the art is fucking retarded. LITERALLY IT MAKES THE CHARACTERS LOOK RETARDED.

Example 1
Example 2
Example 3

They look like slobbering retards! Am I wrong?

WHY IS GABE RUINING MY LIFE WITH HIS RETARDED FACES?

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 12:52:48 GMT

What the fuck is going on on Heroes?

... I think I like it.

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 03:38:05 GMT

Vote Bondsac.

Wherein I Piss Off Everybody, Ever

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 09:26:58 GMT

Knock knock!

Who's there?

I probably offended a bunch of people by joining a very provocatively titled Facebook critical thinking group, so I figured, why not take advantage of this lull in public approval and and show off these hilarious loljesus?

And now, a quick note on how I really feel about belief systems. Please note: if you are already pissed off, this might piss you off more!

You can believe in flying spaghetti monsters or fluffy pink dragons if you like. I don't care, really. It's cool. I make fun of religion, not faith, and there is a big difference.

The difference is that faith isn't crazy. Faith is great. Faith says "I don't know for sure, but I have this gut feeling...". Gut feelings are awesome because if you are wrong, who cares? Not me! Sometimes I have a gut feeling that a sporting team you like is going to beat some other sporting team, and I am right! AWESOME! GO TEAM! Sometimes I have a gut feeling that I forgot something when I left the house, and I rush back to check and I didn't. Silly gut, you were wrong again, LOL!

So faith is cool, but religion isn't. Why? Because religion is like an amplifier for faith. Religion takes a whole bunch of perfectly sane people with similar gut feelings, and somehow evolves leaders and next think you know those gut feelings are FACTS. This makes no sense to me. Facts are things that you know to be true. The only way a gut feeling should become a fact is by the discovery of evidence and in the absence of counter-evidence. Equally importantly, a gut feeling should die if it is disproven. Religion, in giving structure to gut feelings, makes it very difficult to say "silly gut, LOL".

My gut feeling is that religion is a natural result of faith, and its inevitable corruption a result of human management. And so, just as we have to overcome other natural urges - such as the urge to kill resulting from anger - I think we need to overcome the urge of faith, and avoid structuring our ideas until we can prove them true. But I don't know for sure. Its only a feeling.

And for the record, I don't disbelieve in God. He might be there; nothing tells me he isn't. But my gut feeling is that he isn't, or if he is, he doesn't care about us, which is the same thing. And anyway, I prefer the Greek and Norse gods. How cool were they? Thor totally kicked some ass, man. That guy wouldn't take any shit.

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 06:00:29 GMT

Southbound was long and hot. It was fucking hot, man. Words are scarcely capable of expressing it. I was seared.

The Hives were awesome, but they were not jaw-droppingly, pants-moisteningly awesome. There were scissor kicks and mic twirls, and psycho peepers up the ass, but not enough spitting or banter or fanservice. The crowd lacked the encompassing love; the choice of only three songs from Your New Favourite Band may have contributed. I sacrificed my larynx to them, but it was not enough. It could never be enough.

I was rewarded for my service, though. I held his hand. Cameron grabbed for himself a fistful of Swedish boob, but that was perhaps too close to PDA for my liking. Besides, Pele prefers the ladies. I guess he is European, though. They tend to be more pragmatic about these things than we are.

They played the Black And White tour setlist, not the European festival selection, but they subbed in a new song. I liked it, but if they were going to play something obscure they should have gone for Introduce The Metric System In Time or Genepool Convulsions. I liked every song in the set, but I kinda wish they would stop playing A Little More For A Little You and Diabolic Scheme. They both make for fantastic introduction speeches, but are too slow and obscure for a festival set. I guess people need a chance to breathe, though. Breathing was optional in that crowd, I tell you. I gulped fresh air from the sky at every opportunity. Cam, Brad and I had surged our way to the front, led by Ferg who is some sort of crowd ninja, and also devious. I planted myself in the second row behind two short girls, who cried often about being crushed. What did you expect, idiot children? You're 5'2" and you're front and centre for a fucking punk-rock band with several thousand other people behind you who are having their asses rocked, or are trying to get closer, or both! Holding back that kind of tide of human flesh is simply a dream.

Tran and Noodlez took photos of us. Jacinta claimed she didn't see us. A LIKELY STORY.

I got a setlist (thank you, Fergus!), and I bid $125 for a signed poster in the silent auction, which Cameron claims was no silent auction at all. I, for one, believe a system where I can see and process other bids is more auction than a lottery game of "guess the highest number", but perhaps I am unreasonable. I will likely renege on the bid, or perhaps lower to something more reasonable (like $81?) because the poster is neither mint nor framed nor mounted, nor indeed legibly signed.

So The Hives were awesome, and Birds of Tokyo were actually okay. I enjoyed John Steele Singers a hell of a lot. The rest were all kinda whatever. We left early on Saturday. The Kooks were okay, but The Cat Empires new album is pretty lame and fuck Franz Ferdinand anyway.

Mel posted about her dad and complained that she didnt see anyone at Southbound. I was going to comment, but it seems she blocked me from her journal? Dear Mel: I hope your dad is okay! I guess you have the shits on with me for some reason? Thats probably why you couldnt find us; I am by far the most reliable phone junkie in that group, and you obviously didnt try me. I hope you had your ass rocked by five Swedish gentlemen in ties! I know I did!

New Years Eve Eve Awards

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:51:29 GMT

Normally today I post a big long thing and give awards to people and places and things that have made me excited and happy and disappointed and angry. But Im not going to this year. Not because there arent anything to award - some people and places and things definitely deserve a mention - but because I think it is something I dont need to do.

For posterity, though, here are some things Id like to remember about this year, train-of-thought style:

The Hives (as always), Battlestar, Chuck, Dexter, Lich King and so much Karazhan it hurts, The Juggernaut (bitch), Bakehouse, IRAS/SAARS/PASOR/PTR, Hero, Denny Crane, Floorball, Ladies, art, collared shirts, Davemy, Icky Thump, Costello Music, actually putting on Triple J in my car, fuck you motherfucker!, I hate guitar hero because I suck at it but I love the drums for the same reason, its business time, Los D Tenacios, Obamarama, Charlie is THE WILDCARD BITCHES, Anneke is a noob, Anneke is not allowed to have Jersey Caramels, Anneke doesn't care if I get raped, Indy got raped by Lucas and Spielberg, boot camp, Sean likes mannish girls

Whenever I get sad I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

ACHII HYAKU: SUGOI DA NA!!!!! HAI!

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 00:31:45 GMT

Architecture In Helsinki - That Beep
Barrel House - Stop Me
Drapht - Falling
Drapht - Jimmy Recard
Eagles Of Death Metal - Wannabe In L.A.
Flight Of The Conchords - A Kiss Is Not A Contract
Flight Of The Conchords - Bowie
Flight Of The Conchords - Business Time
Flight Of The Conchords - Hiphopopotamus Vs Rhymenoceros
Flight Of The Conchords - The Most Beautiful Girl In The Room
Franz Ferdinand - Ulysses
John Steel Singers - Rainbow Kraut
Little Red - Coca Cola
MGMT - The Youth
MGMT - Electric Feel
Philadelphia Grand Jury - Going To The Casino (Tomorrow Night)
Quan - OMG!
Rocket Science - Psychic Man
Ting Tings - That's Not My Name
Tame Impala - Half Full Glass Of Wine
Weezer - Troublemaker
Weezer - Pork and Beans

I was also going to short list The Panda Band, but then I thought, "fuck those hippies". And what the fuck - Barrel House were a write-in, but Philadelphia Grand Casino were on the list? Weird. Anyway, Unearthed is down for me right now, but you should check that song out because it kicks ass. Google assures me that their page is here.

The video clips for John Steele and Tame Impala kick ass, by the way. Check that shit out too.

I figured that MGMT didnt really need my help, so I left them out. To be honest, Flight of the Concords probably don't either, but I listened to them a lot more than MGMT, so it balances out. The same goes for the Presets, except I enjoyed MGMT more anyway, so I doubt any of their tracks would have made the final 10 anyway.

I got it down to twelve pretty easy, but in the end I decided to cut Weezer and Hiphopapotamus, because I loved Pork and Beans, but it was cheese, and because one of the FotC songs had to go and I like the others better.

The final ten:

Barrel House - Stop Me
Flight Of The Conchords - A Kiss Is Not A Contract
Flight Of The Conchords - Bowie
Flight Of The Conchords - Business Time
Flight Of The Conchords - The Most Beautiful Girl In The Room
John Steel Singers - Rainbow Kraut
Little Red - Coca Cola
Philadelphia Grand Jury - Going To The Casino (Tomorrow Night)
Tame Impala - Half Full Glass Of Wine
Weezer - Troublemaker

And when the fuck did Icky Thump come out? I was looking forward to voting for that shit. I swear it was one of the album of the weeks this year. I distinctly remember hearing Rag And Bone driving home from Floorball...

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 04:13:10 GMT

So the wedding was actually pretty good, except for the drama. I cannot fairly lay the blame for the drama at the feet of my mother or Charlotte's, but I do think they could have both been a bit... friendlier about it.

But the main thing is that I looked fucking sweet.

And now, A QUESTION!

I kinda want to buy an mp3 player. John has an iPod Touch, but it doesnt seem to have a queue. Like, you can make playlists, or select a song to play, but you can't queue up songs (like in Winamp where you select a song and press "Q" and it will play that song next). A queue is super important for how I like to listen to music. Does anyone know of an mp3 player with queue functionality?